I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize