so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
