The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
