hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
