Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
