I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
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