forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
