is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
