My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
