eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
