If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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