bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
