I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Why are your pants in the freezer?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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