All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
