i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
