ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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