im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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