whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
