I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
