if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
