I faked an abortion last night.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
