I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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