my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
