There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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