I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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