I wish I could punch you in the face.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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