He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
