Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize