Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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