I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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