Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
