It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
