My hand turned me down
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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