Why are handjobs necessary in class?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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