If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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