we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
