I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize