why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
