peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
