bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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