Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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