I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just found puke in my bra..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
