Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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