Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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