You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize