Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
