I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
