I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
