I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Welp...herpes.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
