why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
the condom got lost in my hair
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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