Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
