I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
