Your dad touched me again.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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