if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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