the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
