I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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