Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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