Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
