You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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