So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
