i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
