im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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