I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
