what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
